Principled Communication:
Why How We Communicate Matters More Than What We Say
Inevitability – Irreversibility – Relationship – Symmetry
Most leaders can recall a moment when they walked away from a conversation thinking, “I was clear—so why didn’t that land the way I expected?”
The words were right. The message made sense. The intent was positive.
And yet, something missed the mark.
When communication breaks down, our instinct is often to focus on what was said. We replay the wording, refine the message, and try again—sometimes with more explanation, sometimes with more force. But clarity alone rarely fixes communication problems. In fact, many of the most persistent communication challenges in organizations have very little to do with the actual words being used.
They have everything to do with how those words are delivered, received, and interpreted.
Communication is not just an exchange of information. It is a relational act. It happens in context, within systems of power, history, emotion, and expectation. Whether we realize it or not, communication follows certain underlying principles. These principles operate quietly in the background, shaping meaning long before logic has a chance to catch up.
When leaders understand these principles, communication becomes more intentional and effective. When they don’t, even well-intended messages can create confusion, resistance, or disengagement.
Communication is Never Neutral
The Principle of Inevitability
One of the most overlooked truths about communication is that it is always happening—whether we intend it or not.
In leadership roles especially, silence communicates. Delayed responses communicate. Facial expressions, meeting agendas, who gets invited into the room—and who doesn’t—all communicate. Even the decision not to address an issue sends a message. Communication, in this sense, is inevitable.
This principle challenges a common assumption: “If I didn’t say anything, I didn’t communicate.” In reality, people are constantly interpreting meaning from what they observe. When information is missing, they fill in the gaps themselves—usually based on past experience or perceived power dynamics.
Consider a leader who notices tension between two team members but chooses not to address it, hoping it will resolve on its own. From the leader’s perspective, this may feel like patience. From the team’s perspective, it may signal avoidance or a lack of psychological safety. No words were spoken, yet a clear message was received.
Awareness of this principle allows leaders to move from accidental messaging to intentional communication.
Once Spoken, Always Spoken
The Principle of Irreversibility
Words have a staying power we often underestimate.
Once something is said, it cannot be unsaid. Clarifications and apologies may help, but they do not erase impact. In leadership settings, this principle carries particular weight because words spoken by those with authority tend to linger longer.
A passing comment in a meeting can shape how someone sees their role. A poorly timed critique can overshadow months of positive feedback. Even comments made “offhand” may be remembered long after the speaker has forgotten them.
This doesn’t mean leaders must speak cautiously or avoid difficult conversations. It does mean that preparation and reflection matter. Thoughtful communication respects both the message and the people receiving it.
Leaders who honor the principle of irreversibility learn to pause before speaking—not to censor themselves, but to ensure their words align with their intent and values.
Every Message Has Two Meanings
The Principle of Content and Relationship
Every message communicates two things at once: information and relationship.
The content is what is being said—the task, the data, the decision. The relationship message is how the speaker views the listener: with respect, trust, authority, partnership, or distance. When these two messages are aligned, communication feels clear. When they are not, confusion and resistance often follow.
For example, a leader may say, “I need this done by Friday.” On the surface, the content is straightforward. But depending on tone, timing, and history, the relationship message could be interpreted as confidence, urgency, frustration, or mistrust.
People tend to respond more strongly to the relationship message than the content itself. When leaders focus only on getting the information right, they may miss how their message is actually being heard.
Effective communication requires attention to both layers—especially in moments of feedback, change, or conflict.
Power Changes the Message
The Principle of Symmetry and Asymmetry
Not all communication occurs on equal footing.
In relationships where power is shared—between peers, for example—communication is relatively symmetrical. In leadership relationships, communication is asymmetrical. Titles, authority, and decision-making power all shape how messages are received.
Leaders often underestimate this effect. A comment meant as casual may be interpreted as directive. A question may feel like an evaluation. An open-ended discussion may not feel open at all to someone who depends on the leader for approval, advancement, or job security.
Recognizing asymmetry doesn’t mean leaders must constantly remind others of their authority. In fact, it often means doing the opposite: intentionally creating clarity and safety so that people feel free to respond honestly.
When leaders account for power dynamics, they communicate with greater empathy and effectiveness.
Why Principles Matter More Than Techniques
Communication techniques come and go. Principles endure.
Techniques tell us what to do. Principles help us understand why things work—or don’t. When leaders rely solely on techniques, communication can feel scripted or inconsistent. When they operate from principles, communication becomes more adaptable and authentic.
Principled communication encourages leaders to ask better questions:
What message might this action—or inaction—be sending?
How might my role influence how this is received?
What relationship message am I communicating alongside the content?
These questions don’t slow leadership down. They make it more effective.
From Intent to Impact
Most communication breakdowns are not failures of intent. They are failures of awareness.
When leaders understand the principles at work beneath the surface, they gain greater control over how their messages land. They communicate with more consistency, clarity, and care—not because they have the perfect words, but because they understand the system in which communication occurs.
The next time a message doesn’t land as expected, consider not just what was said, but how it was communicated—and what principles may have been at play.
Strengthen How You Communicate as a Leader
Effective communication isn’t about having the right script—it’s about understanding the principles that shape how messages are received. If you’re looking to strengthen communication across your team or organization, a thoughtful conversation is often the best place to start.
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